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  • Writer's picturePanthergirl

A panthergirl's guide to the apocalypse

I realize that while there are shortages of many staple supplies in stores around the world, there is no shortage of blog posts, memes, or Instagram and Facebook stories with suggestions on surviving this COVID-19 crisis. That isn't going to stop me from writing another one. As my mother would say, "So sue me."

I've thought about selling all my clothes except for my pajamas, but then realized no one else would need them either. Ironically, I always thought the Kingdom of Bhutan would be a great place to live because their traditional dress is basically pajamas. Sorry If I voiced that wish a little too loudly on the day that some wish-granter decided that I was the lucky one. Oops.

People are bitching and moaning about not being able to get their hair cut, or about looking like Pepe Le Pew in a few weeks once the roots come in. But what about waxing? How do we give up on waxing when we just got to the point of not needing a Xanax before every appointment?

Welcome to the Jungle, indeed.

This sheltering-in-place thing isn't too challenging for my partner and me. As a freelance photographer and retiree/consultant/writer respectively, we were already spending almost 24/7 together and not ripping each other to shreds (on most days.) But there is one thing we are particularly bummed about at this point in time (first world problem alert.) We're golfers. The weather in Amsterdam was complete shit for the entire winter. Not just cold, as we can play in the cold. It rained what seems like every day for four months. Now that we can't go out it's fucking beautiful.

Every single day. Sunshine, cool but not cold, not a cloud in the sky. Mother Nature's worst practical joke ever.

So, what do we do instead? On a practical level we're planning as best as we can for shopping without hoarding. I'm reminded of an old TV commercial for Fletcher's Castoria where one mom advises another about the guesswork involved re prunes: "Are three enough? Are six too many?"

This craziness around toilet paper makes me wonder how people would react if this were an intestinal virus. (My worst nightmare, by the way. But that's a topic for another day.)

In the next few posts, I'll be sharing what we're reading, playing, watching, listening to. Some of it will be pure escape stuff, some not. Along with everyone else on the Internet, we blew through Tiger King faster than the aforementioned Fletcher's Castoria would blow through your system. If anyone is still wondering how Trump got elected, one episode of this shit-show will clear that up for you.

So… this is how I'm going to pass the time while trying desperately not to get sick and die. Please to enjoy!

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